Lately my spirits have not been too high. I think it has been a combination of the realization that I will have my bar results in less than a month, life in general, friends in general, and life (did I say that one already?). Sometimes one small thing just completely throws my day off and my mood becomes sour and I become down.
In terms of the bar exam, I had a nightmare over the weekend that I had failed the test and only had one hour before I had to re-take it. Talk about a nightmare. In my mind, I am afraid no matter what the results are going to be. I am afraid that I have failed - and I honestly do not know how I would put myself through taking this exam again then. I am afraid that I have passed and then I will actually have people's lives in my hands. Basically, right now I feel afraid.
I think I have also been down because I am missing some of my friends. After graduation, one of my best friends moved away and I am missing her a lot. Another of my friends I have not seen since the bar exam. I think I am just missing my friends. After spending the past three years of my life in the torture of law school and getting through it because of friends like them, and then not having them around me all the time - I think I am having trouble adjusting. I miss having girls around me that understand what I am going through a lot of the time. I miss having them here when life is changing all the time with work and family and everything. I miss hearing about everything going on in their lives. I miss laughing with them and crying with them and even complaining with them.
Life just gets in the way. I wish responsibilities would just fade away and life could be enjoyable all the time. I wish I didn't make life harder on myself at times. My mom pointed out to me today how critical I am of myself and what I do. She told me she doesn't understand how my confidence in myself could be low when all my life my family has supported me and encouraged me and built me up. Well, I don't understand myself either at times.
All I know is that lately, I have been relying on myself too much. I have been relying on those around me to make me happy. I have been relying on everything that I shouldn't be relying on. I will let myself down continually. Those around me will let me down. I cannot always count on myself or others to make me feel okay or to fulfill me.
In the end, the only thing that can really fulfill me and take me out of my downward mood is God. Yes, that seems like a simple straight-forward answer. God can resolve all my moods. He has the power to do anything. The issue is me. I have to let Him in to fix me. I have to allow Him to take control. And I am a control freak. But I must learn to let go. I must learn that others will disappoint me. I must learn that I can be socially awkward a lot of times and am not the best at making new friends. Yet God will provide people in my life when I need them. He will teach me that although some of my friends have moved on to bigger and better things across the country, they will still be my friends, and He will provide new friends to me along the way. He will teach me that even if I fail an exam, life is not over, and if I pass an exam He will be with me along the way to help people resolve issues and impossible situations in their lives.
Sorry if this whole post seems like a pitty party to you. I get my emotions out best through writing them down. Here are a few verses that I found today that are helping me work through myself and my imperfections:
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things
Deuteronomy 31:8 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Deuteronomy 32:10:
In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye
John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God
